Drowning

     It's okay. You don't have to love them unconditionally. You never choose this, so you have the right to feel like this. They've done some bullshit and, yes, it's hard to love them. Just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean they're family. Some people are racist, homophobic or even sexist and that's so wrong. The thing is there's nothing wrong on you not being able to love unconditionally someone like that. It's not your fault that you feel disgusted when that person says something that crazy and ridiculous and outrageous. Maybe it's your uncle or your aunt, maybe it's even one of your parents and you want to love them just like other people seem to, but it's too damn hard. It hurts you every time you hear that person saying that "girls can't love girls" or "you need to get married to a rich guy" because you know yourself. You want to love a girl or might already do and you definitely want to make your own money, be your own "rich husband". You are trapped. Trapped between loving the person that raised you or loving that part of you, a part that you've been trying to hide but it's getting harder and harder and you feel like you're drowning on lies. No. It's not just a feeling. You truly are and the fear keeps growing, "what if I never reach the surface again? I don't want to die here." You know that a part of yourself is dying because of that person. It's getting hard to breathe. Is it worthy? You just want to be yourself, you just want them to accept you the way you are. Why is that so hard? Why can't they understand? Why can't they see that you, an important person for them, is just like the people they criticize? You're too afraid to tell. What if you lose everything? Is that part of you worth losing your family? You don't even know anymore. Troubled between loving a family member or loving yourself, you question whether life will ever be better.